In the world of narcissism, there are two distinct players: the covert and the grandiose. Each has its complexities, but it’s the covert character who emerges as the enigma in this narrative.
Grandiose narcissists, the extroverted showstoppers, are easy to spot. They walk through life with unapologetic vanity, seeking the spotlight without hesitation. They are the exhibitionists, the narcissists in full view.
Now, turn your attention to the covert narcissists, the ones who dwell in the shadows. They are the lesser-known members of this story, often appearing as the shy, humble, or anxious. But beneath their façade lies a complex character, capable of just as much destruction in the theater of relationships.
When it comes to the criteria for narcissistic personality disorder, covert narcissists meet all the requirements—desiring to feel special, secretly craving admiration, lacking empathy, and asserting entitlement. They live in a world of self-absorption, where they demand the same adulation as their grandiose counterparts.
Their chosen role in this narrative? That of the victim and martyr. They find solace in the shadows, often basking in the glow of someone they hold in high regard. Experiences are internalized, seen as mistreatment, an existence unappreciated, and a profound sense of being misunderstood.
Comparing Grandiose vs. Covert Narcissists
Though they share the fundamental traits of narcissism, covert narcissists are the enigmatic counterparts to the grandiose ones. While the grandiose exude an aura of confidence and self-assuredness, the covert individuals grapple with pervasive insecurity, discontented with their own existence. They are creatures of neuroticism, trapped in a whirlwind of heightened emotions—distress, anxiety, guilt, depression, and ever-toxic shame. When it comes to handling criticism, all narcissists falter, but the introverted variant possesses the thinnest armor. Criticism strikes a chord, resonating with their fragile self-image.
Picture the grandiose, demanding the spotlight, while the covert ones yearn for it but harbor resentment over its elusive nature. Or they skillfully adopt the persona of the victim, a masterful tactic to command attention. Unlike the grandiose, who openly revel in boasting about their triumphs, the covert individuals dream of recognition, pondering why the world fails to acknowledge their unique essence. Their introverted nature propels them to assume an air of smug superiority, passing judgment on those they perceive as inferior. Yet, unlike the typical introverts renowned for their keen listening skills, these covert narcissists chart a different course.
Grandiose and Covert Narcissists in Relationships
In the realm of relationships, it’s the grandiose narcissists who often seem to hold a more commanding presence, displaying a knack for social engagement when the occasion demands. In stark contrast, covert narcissists find themselves wanting in the realm of positive relationships.
Manipulation and control are the lifeblood of all narcissists, but the covert variety prefers an indirect approach. They employ self-pity as a means to wield their influence, eschewing the bold tactics of dominance favored by their grandiose counterparts. Instead, they retreat, nursing a brew of hostility, blame, and resentment, all while donning the cloak of passive-aggression. They might nod in agreement, only to disregard commitments, arrive late, feign forgetfulness, or, in a brazen act of pretense, deny any prior agreement. Their demeanor oscillates between aloofness, disinterest, and an array of dismissive gestures, such as averting their gaze, emitting impatient sighs, or expressing boredom. Rather than directly belittling others, they are more prone to expressing envy. While they may exhibit a lower degree of aggression and exploitation compared to their extroverted counterparts, covert narcissists nurse feelings of neglect, a sense of belittlement, hypersensitivity, anxiety, and even delusions of persecution.
Their relatives and partners often find themselves ensnared by sympathy, longing to rescue them from their misery. They willingly make sacrifices and shoulder responsibility for the covert narcissist, only to discover frustration, exhaustion, and the gnawing sense of exploitation as they unwittingly adopt the role of caretaker.
While all narcissists share antagonistic tendencies and an inflated sense of self-importance, it is the coverts who prove particularly challenging to coexist with, primarily due to their heightened emotional volatility and somber demeanor. In many ways, they resemble individuals grappling with borderline personality disorder, in need of assistance to navigate the turbulent landscape of their perceptions, moods, and emotions.
Their brand of emotional abuse may unfold in silence and subtlety, but it chips away at your soul, slowly eroding your spirit. Your needs and pleas for attention become inconsequential, destined to be disregarded or swept aside. Their appetite for narcissistic supply knows no bounds, and you might find yourself drawn into a futile dance of consoling and aiding their covert, manipulative martyrdom. Yet, you’ll discover that no amount of effort can fill the abyss within them or transform their entrenched victim mentality. The aftermath? Lingering feelings of anger and resentment, accompanied by a gradual erosion of your self-esteem.
Narcissists, irrespective of type, are devoid of empathy, incapable of acknowledging you as a distinct individual. Consequently, your emotions and needs hold no significance in their eyes. They will take whatever measures necessary to maintain dominance and control within relationships. Their needs consistently take precedence, leaving you to grapple with feelings of isolation and neglect. Grandiose narcissists boast superior cognitive empathy, a trait that enhances their social prowess and manipulative finesse. They can fathom mental states different from their own and deploy this understanding for cooperation, control, or exploitation—a phenomenon termed ‘Theory of Mind.’ In contrast, covert narcissists remain intensely self-centered, struggling to grasp the needs and desires of others, resulting in responses that often fall short of appropriateness.
Occasionally, even extroverted narcissists adopt covert tactics, engaging in bouts of sulking or casting themselves as victims to manipulate those around them. Definitions aside, the true litmus test rests in the recognition of your needs and feelings being dismissed, manipulation at play, or emotional abuse taking root. In such instances, a practical guide like ‘Dating, Loving, and Leaving a Narcissist: Essential Tools for Improving or Leaving Narcissistic and Abusive Relationships’ can prove invaluable for reclaiming your self-esteem and personal power.